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I Can’t Wait To Turn 18

I don’t think my mom realizes that she’s not the only one who’s stressed and tired. I’m stressed and tired too. School is not like how it used to be when she was in school. She overreacts to stuff that aren’t supposed to be overreacted. She makes a big deal out of everything, like can you please calm the fuck down? Just because she works all the time doesn’t mean she’s the only one who gets to have their way. Sure, she’s my mom but sometimes it doesn’t even feel like she is. She’s so controlling and it’s suffocating me. She lets my brother go out and she doesn’t even get mad when he comes home late. But with me, she makes me stay at home. I can’t do this, I can’t do that. While my brother can do this and that. She is so unfair. She even stalks my Twitter, oh my fucking god. I cannot wait to turn eighteen and leave this damn house.

This post doesn’t even makes sense. Bye.

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I Was Wrong

I don’t know what the point of this post is but on my last post, I said I was okay. But I think I was wrong. I feel like I’m getting bad again and I don’t even know why. Wait, I do.

It all started tonight when my brother and I are talking about keeping promises and well, I guess I said how I don’t believe in them anymore because people end up breaking them anyway so why even bother promising something you can’t keep? I also said how I don’t get mad anymore when they break it because I’m used to it. I’m used to people breaking promises and I don’t know how I got used to it, but I did and it’s kind of sad because I shouldn’t feel this way.

And I also felt so disappointed in myself because my brother gets all these great opportunities while I sit back and watch everything that’s happening, wishing I could be him. I’ve always felt like the second choice next to him because it seems like people like/love him better than they do with me. And maybe, they do. Maybe they only like/love me because I’m his little sister. Maybe people are only putting up with me because he’s my brother.

I sound pathetic, don’t I? I shouldn’t feel sad or disappointed or upset because there are other people out there who has it worse than me and yet here I am, crying over little things that shouldn’t even matter in the first place. I’m only jealous of my brother. And my feelings don’t matter. Everyone has their own feelings to take care of and nobody will even notice how I started isolating myself again. It’s like a cycle. My life’s a cycle. I’m happy and then something happens and I start feeling depressed over things and then the cycle starts all over again.

I am so tired of it. I am so tired of life. I wish I could just end it. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up. But nothing goes our way and I’m kind of glad of that because if it did, I don’t even know if I’m still going to be here.

I’m just a human being, wishing for a better life, or take it away. I really don’t care anymore.

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I Think I’m Okay

I don’t know why, but I think life is getting better for me. Maybe it’s because I started looking up to this band that really cares about their fans and it made me feel loved for some reason. But then sometimes I get so sad about little things and then I get hurt. I take things so seriously and I hate myself for that.

Anyway, this is just an update on how I’m doing. And I want to let something out. I like someone, and I am so mad because I don’t want to like him. I don’t know why, I just really don’t. He’s not even cute, oh my god.

Okay, so I started liking him when we played football in PE and we were both going for the ball and so we crashed into each other, when we got up, he asked me if I was okay and so I was like, “Yeah, it’s just my foot hurts but other than that, I’m fine.” and then I don’t know what came to him but he started teasing me he kept giving me these funny faces and he was so cute (I know I said he’s not cute, but he was cute at that time, okay), I just wanted to pinch his cheeks and tell him to take me on a date and stuff. But I don’t even know him and I think I only like him because of the attention he gave me. I am so torn.

Also, today, I felt so bad for myself because while my brother was at homecoming, I was locked up in my room stalking some band and I still think my life is better. Sad, innit?

So what I’m trying to say is that I think I’m okay now. I’m clean for almost two months now and I’m trying my best to stay clean. I just hope it goes well.

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First Day of High School

First day of school sucked. I had to ride the bus in the morning because my mom couldn’t get off from work since she has night shifts and it was too early for her to go. I mean, it pissed me off that she broke her promise to drop me and my brother off to school because it’s the first day, you know? I didn’t want to ride the bus yet. I was not ready. Considering the fact that it was also my first day of high school. Yes, I’m a freshman. My classes were okay, surprisingly. But when school finally ended for the day, I started walking to the bus stop, which is like four blocks away. And turns out, my mom was picking us up. Obviously, my brother knew that, but he did not tell me. I saw him see me walking though. I was so irritated with everyone and everything that I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I even gave everyone that talked to me an attitude, especially my mom. I don’t know why, but I wanted her to feel the way I feel whenever she breaks her promises. (I get hurt a lot. Especially when she doesn’t have that much time for us anymore) Then she took us school shopping, and I felt kind of better. Just a little. When we got home, I wanted to paint my nails. But I kept messing up so I started getting irritated again and poured out my anger/irritation to my mom. I asked her for the money she owed me and she gave it without hesitation. She didn’t even get mad. She just told me to sleep early because I have school the next day. I felt so bad and so I started to overthink everything I’ve done bad to her. I went to bed and started sobbing until I fell asleep. So basically, my first ever day of high school started horrible.

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Walk Through and Orientation

Walk through day was alright. I wasn’t comfortable at first but the teachers were nice so they let me in because I wasn’t really supposed to be there. I was supposed to be there the day before but my mom wanted to do it at the same day as my brother.

Orientation day was okay. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great either. I felt awkward since I didn’t know anyone and everyone knew each other because they went to the same school last year. The looking for seats on the bleachers was quite hard for me too. But when we got with our groups, I actually didn’t feel shy. I felt kind of confident. I was talking to everyone in my group, asking them for their names and complimenting them. But then we got to the introducing yourself part, where I obviously had to talk about myself. And I said some things I shouldn’t have and now I’m overthinking everything even though I know they won’t remember what I said because I don’t even remember what they said. And that’s when my confidence disappeared and I went to being my shy self again. But I made two friends. They were nice, and they didn’t judge me. Or at least that’s what I think.

I also have to go back to school tomorrow to get my locker. They had a glitch on their computers and they didn’t get to print my locker number and ugh, I’m starting to think this school sucks but then at the same time, I’m starting to like it because it boosted my confidence up. Which doesn’t happen to me a lot.

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Fucking Up

I fucked up again. My friend, Angelo, called one of my best friends (Sonny) a bitch. And well, I told Sonny and now they’re not talking to each other. They hate each other because of me. I didn’t mean to fuck things up. It’s almost the end of the year. Why couldn’t I just shut my mouth? And now, I’m having anxiety. It’s all my fault. I keep saying sorry but they won’t listen to me. I shouldn’t have told her. I should have just kept it to myself. I shouldn’t have butted in. WHY ME. WHY? WHY WHY WHY? WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THAT? WHY WHY WHYY? Nothing ever goes right in my life. But then again, when does it ever?

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Six Flags Fieldtrip

Don’t you hate it when you have weird mood swings? It just ruins your day so bad. Like last Friday, May 10th, we had a field trip at Six Flags, and we were checking in with our chaperone, when I suddenly felt sad and I ditched my group to walk around by myself. I just needed to think. Okay, fine. Maybe I had a reason why I felt sad. I like this guy (let’s call him Joey) and I was in the same group as him. While we were in line for this water ride, his ex came and I guess he still likes her. So he stood next to her in line. I’m not supposed to feel jealous because we’re not even dating. Hell, he doesn’t even like me. But I really felt so upset at that moment that I told them I didn’t want to ride it anymore and that I’ll wait for them at the exit.

Then we rode this other water ride and we were totally soaking wet. So we went to the water park and there’s this little shower in the middle of it and me and Joey were near the shower. So he hugged me and pulled me under the shower with him. And I swear, I freaking melted. After that, we rode the bumper cars and I asked if I could ride with someone and so he was like, “Wanna ride with me?” And I was about to say, “Hell yeah!” But I said, “Okay,” instead to seem like I don’t really care.

So now it’s Sunday and I can’t stop thinking about him. I hate liking someone because I know I’ll end up getting hurt in the end, but I can’t help it. My friends think he’s not cute and that he’s also player. Is it weird that I just wanna talk to him all day? And this is also good because I finally moved on from my ex. So Joey, I really really like you. And it’s okay if you don’t like me back because that’s just how life is sometimes. It has its ups and downs for everyone. And I guess this is one of my downs, eh?