I Was Wrong

I don’t know what the point of this post is but on my last post, I said I was okay. But I think I was wrong. I feel like I’m getting bad again and I don’t even know why. Wait, I do.

It all started tonight when my brother and I are talking about keeping promises and well, I guess I said how I don’t believe in them anymore because people end up breaking them anyway so why even bother promising something you can’t keep? I also said how I don’t get mad anymore when they break it because I’m used to it. I’m used to people breaking promises and I don’t know how I got used to it, but I did and it’s kind of sad because I shouldn’t feel this way.

And I also felt so disappointed in myself because my brother gets all these great opportunities while I sit back and watch everything that’s happening, wishing I could be him. I’ve always felt like the second choice next to him because it seems like people like/love him better than they do with me. And maybe, they do. Maybe they only like/love me because I’m his little sister. Maybe people are only putting up with me because he’s my brother.

I sound pathetic, don’t I? I shouldn’t feel sad or disappointed or upset because there are other people out there who has it worse than me and yet here I am, crying over little things that shouldn’t even matter in the first place. I’m only jealous of my brother. And my feelings don’t matter. Everyone has their own feelings to take care of and nobody will even notice how I started isolating myself again. It’s like a cycle. My life’s a cycle. I’m happy and then something happens and I start feeling depressed over things and then the cycle starts all over again.

I am so tired of it. I am so tired of life. I wish I could just end it. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up. But nothing goes our way and I’m kind of glad of that because if it did, I don’t even know if I’m still going to be here.

I’m just a human being, wishing for a better life, or take it away. I really don’t care anymore.